The Life That I Have...Is All That I Have

A melancholy entry.

Every morning when I send Umairah and Irfan to the nursery, Umairah would cry and scream "tak nak, tak nak". It breaks my heart. Soon, when Irfan is older to understand, he too would be crying and screaming. To make matters worse, Umairah refuses to eat (at the nursery) and since the workers at the nursery are too busy handling other kids as well (more kids + less worker = more $$$) , no one cares if she eats or not, what more to coax her to eat.

It breaks my heart that I am not able to provide my children the life that I had growing up with my parents. I grew up in the comfort of my own home, taken care by my own mom, not in the hands of strangers. I didn't even have to go to tuition or 'kelas mengaji' coz I could always refer to my parents. There was always someone who cared if I ate or not, if I was sick, and etc.

A friend's words kept ringing in my head "You always have a choice. It's just the matter of WHAT we choose." In my case, my choice was either to take care of them myself or to send them to be taken care by strangers. I chose the latter. Mr.Hubby kept reminding me that I could always quit my job and he's willing to be the sole breadwinner. I was not willing to let go of my job. I felt selfish. To make myself feel better, I told myself that my salary would provide them a better financial security, a better future. I told myself that unlike me, they would be much better at being independent and at socializing with people. I hope those are not just wishful thinking.

Kids do not come with instruction manuals. Sometimes I feel lost. I try to be better by reading; but sometimes I forget what I read. Even when I've read books on parenting, there are still situations that left me literally standing agape, not knowing what to do. Mr. Hubby says, "Not everything can be learned from books". Some has to be learned from experience.

I hope that I am able to balance work life with my responsibility as a mother (poor Mr.Hubby goes way down in the priority list). I dread the day when something goes wrong and my kid would scream at me "You were never there for me!".

Parents have an adverse affect on their kid's life. I'm afraid of screwing up. Someone (I don't remember who) said 'Mata wang kekayaan adalah ringgit. Mata wang kasih sayang adalah masa.' And time is what I lack... :(

The life that I have, is all that I have.
This life that I have, is all I can give.